Soup For The Simple-Minded: Yes, Men – This Means You

It is the most secret of societies. Its history is uncertain, its purpose unclear and its scope unknown. It has no name, holds no formal meetings and its members carry no cards. Clever. Anthropologists, teaming with an eclectic group of scientists and academicians, have stumbled upon precious few clues in their quest to unmask the centuries old enigma.

Here is what they know so far about the “Secret Society” (SS):

–The SS meets spontaneously, seeming to have no rigid code of pre-ceremonial obligations it must perform.

–The meetings are brief – or long – and, at times, of a moderate duration.

–The meetings are often held in public venues, in the full presence of non-members.

–The members of the SS share an odd dialect that, to the untrained ear, sounds like utter gibberish.

Scientists have begun to invest their energies toward studying the odd dialect, believing it may hold the key to the Secret Society’s ability to flourish. Ancient texts reveal the original adherents used a complex series of grunts and chortles to disguise their communications. Today, Anthropological Nutritionists believe their trickery may reside in the confusing terminology of weights and measures.

Discussions of “pinches and dashes,” and “drops and dollops” are clearly sinister, but their exact meaning has yet to be deciphered. The hasty scrawling of arcane messages, bearing the taunting abbreviations “Tbs., Tsp. and Pt.” are especially worrisome. The fact that the women – yes, the SS is composed entirely of women – plan their mayhem in the full light of day (and sometimes in the evening over a nice potluck with the neighbors) leads scientists to believe it may be too late. The Secret Society may live… forever!

For many men the Secret Society is all too real. One look at a recipe – yes, of course, it’s assumed an emergency of some sort exists – one look is all it takes to send even the toughest man to the local pizzeria, where he can drown his sorrows in a deep dish pepperoni pie with extra pepperoni. Ah… pepperoni.

There’s hope.

In the odd event you find you are both hungry for soup and can convince not a single soul to take pity on you and make it, try this recipe-for-the-rest-of-us for Homemade White Bean and Turkey Breast Soup:

–Put a Big pot on the stove.

–Turn the burner to medium.

–Pour in enough olive oil, or other oil, to cover the bottom.

–Pour in some soy sauce.

–Chop up three big onions and toss them in.

–Chop up five or six cloves of garlic and toss them in.

–Chop up four sticks of celery and toss them in.

Optional-Chop up one sweet roasted pepper (it comes in a jar) and toss it in.

–Chop up a couple handfuls of smoked turkey breast and toss it in.

–Mix the stuff around and let it cook.

–Open five cans of white beans, or others (Great Northern, Cannellini, Pinto, Butter…)

–Top off the pot with water and turn up the heat to high.

–Add other seasonings you like – salt, pepper – or, thyme, cumin or cayenne.

–When the soup boils, turn the burner down to low and wait… for about thirty minutes.

–Soups on! Enjoy.

Now that you’ve mastered the pot and enjoyed the fruits, or soups, of your labor you’re in for the real challenge. When you head out later to join some friends for a late night chat and chai, be ready. Barely perceptible at the onset, you’ll soon find yourself distracted by the conversation at the next table. Something about a cup of chicken stock or a dash of… This is how it begins. They entice their prey with cunning precision and show no mercy to simple-minded-men, conscripting them as eunuchs in the perpetual service of the Secret Society.

Escape now!

Get up and flee into the darkness, forsaking forever the lilt of the ladle, the pleasantries of the pantry. Your life depends upon it. If you tarry, it will be too late…

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